An Epiphany

I’ve often found that extreme measures are needed to clarify my feelings and all at once it will hit me exactly how I feel about someone. I will have an epiphany and everything will be crystal clear. Today provided a particularly dramatic example.

FB dropped me off at home this morning so I could get ready for class. He said he would see me in an hour or so. But when I got to class, he wasn’t there. This is not ordinarily the type of thing that should inspire fear, but I knew something was wrong.

My fears were confirmed later in the day when I learned that he had fallen suddenly and violently ill and ended up in the emergency room. I’m going to refrain from offering details, but suffice to say I was terrified. I’m talking knot in my stomach, couldn’t eat, couldn’t concentrate, hysterically crying terrified. I’m prone to panicking in stressful situations, but even for me, this was pretty intense. I spent the day worrying about him and got nothing done.

FB called me around 7 pm. He’s in a hospital within walking distance from my apartment and I managed to make it there before visiting hours ended. He looks terrible, like he got into a nasty bar brawl.

But he’s going to be OK.

And I’m beyond relieved.

Tonight I didn't try to downplay how I felt about him. I admitted that I spent part of the afternoon sobbing over him. There was no pretense and no games. Just us lying down on his hospital bed and talking about his awful, awful day. And on my side at least, I had never been so happy to be with him, or anyone. This afternoon, when I was crying, I was just scared for him. Tonight, when we were side-by-side in his hospital bed, I was just grateful that he let me be there to kiss him and see that he was alright.

I just hope he was as happy to have me there as I was to be there.

We Never Change

We never change, do we?

Olaf J called me from London on Saturday evening and we had a very frank and long conversation. I told him about FB (see previous post) and about my burgeoning desire to make him more than a FB … conveniently enough, the exact reverse of a FB – a BF. I described for Olaf the various coincidences that have occurred that lead me to believe that we are meant to be. Olaf, though I haven’t seen him in two years, still knows me better than most people and commented that I probably thought that if we liked the same food we were meant to be. It sounds stupid but he’s right. I once foolishly dated a guy because we both loved the “Moon Over My Hammy” sandwich at Denny’s ... two points here: (1) big mistake, because he turned out to be a psychopath and (2) it’s impossible not to love the Moon Over My Hammy. It’s just that good. Not to say that it’s a dating pre-requisite for me … anymore … but it’s not something to consider novel or notable, either.

But back to Olaf … he was right. I always find insignificant coincidences to mean that something is fated. But I’m better this time, I really am … many of the coincidences I have taken to be significant in the past I’m writing off now. And many of things I’d automatically want to know, such as his astrological sign, I’m scared to find out because I know I will attribute disproportionate significance to it, whether good or bad. I’d like to say that I’m growing, but I’m just looking at an all new set of coincidences that haven’t existed with other guys before now.

My habit of making mountains out of molehills and overanalyzing every minor relationship development, every conversation, every phrase uttered, every word chosen to try and glean the poor boy’s intentions, is long-standing. To be sure, my tendency towards obsession is one of my defining character traits. When I get a crush it’s all-consuming. A friend once said that I was boy-crazy, not about one particular boy, but about all boys in general. Her statement was dead on … and I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember.

There’s a Coldplay song with the lyrics, “We never change, do we? No.” Ah Chris Martin, you have hit the nail on the head yet again! I have not changed one iota in years. I suppose I could look at it as an altogether good thing that I have a good sense of myself. But things I would like to change – such as my tendency to obsess over any guy who catches my eye – are cemented into my personality. I think I might be like this my whole life. And I guess that’s just me. But I sometimes, after staring off into space, deep in reverie starring the boy du jour, I wish it weren’t.