An Epiphany

I’ve often found that extreme measures are needed to clarify my feelings and all at once it will hit me exactly how I feel about someone. I will have an epiphany and everything will be crystal clear. Today provided a particularly dramatic example.

FB dropped me off at home this morning so I could get ready for class. He said he would see me in an hour or so. But when I got to class, he wasn’t there. This is not ordinarily the type of thing that should inspire fear, but I knew something was wrong.

My fears were confirmed later in the day when I learned that he had fallen suddenly and violently ill and ended up in the emergency room. I’m going to refrain from offering details, but suffice to say I was terrified. I’m talking knot in my stomach, couldn’t eat, couldn’t concentrate, hysterically crying terrified. I’m prone to panicking in stressful situations, but even for me, this was pretty intense. I spent the day worrying about him and got nothing done.

FB called me around 7 pm. He’s in a hospital within walking distance from my apartment and I managed to make it there before visiting hours ended. He looks terrible, like he got into a nasty bar brawl.

But he’s going to be OK.

And I’m beyond relieved.

Tonight I didn't try to downplay how I felt about him. I admitted that I spent part of the afternoon sobbing over him. There was no pretense and no games. Just us lying down on his hospital bed and talking about his awful, awful day. And on my side at least, I had never been so happy to be with him, or anyone. This afternoon, when I was crying, I was just scared for him. Tonight, when we were side-by-side in his hospital bed, I was just grateful that he let me be there to kiss him and see that he was alright.

I just hope he was as happy to have me there as I was to be there.